New Blog!!!!!

Hey, everyone... if anyone will even SEE this...

I am blogging again, but I am over here now:

Cars On a Cable

So, if you followed me here, and you want to follow me again, please head over there and follow me. It's NEW and let me tell you, A LOT has changed in my life in the past year or so.

I am working on getting links up to all the blogs I used to follow and love. So head on over and say Hi :)

So, Um, Hi...

Give me a second to blow the dust off of this blog.

OK. That's better.

So, are you still here? Anyone still with me? I'm not abandoning this blog, I swear. I just haven't been able to write. I don't know why. I have a lot to say, I just haven't been able to say it. Sigh.

Let me get you all caught up with my life. Not too much has changed, really. I am still not smoking. I'm also off of the patch! So, no more icky nicotine in my system. I'm pretty crazy happy and proud of myself, really. I did it.

I've taken up running. Well, sort of. You know I have been talking about it for, like, EVER. I mostly just walk, because I'm kind of sucky with the whole running thing at this point. I should follow the couch to 5k thing I have been wanting to follow, but for right now I am just doing it for me. I don't want anything to follow or stick with, I want to go out with just myself and my music, and walk. Run when I can. Try to run more each time. But at the very least, walk.

I haven't been going to the gym as much, I blame the nice weather. Who wants to be stuck indoors in a stuffy, sweaty, boring old gym when you can be in the sun, walking or running under the endless blue sky? Not me. I am going to the gym tomorrow night, for kickboxing that I have missed the past few weeks. MIGHT stay for the yoga class afterward. We'll see how I feel. Don't want to overdo it, but I have been wanting to really get back into the yoga thing.

I've been reading some books about Zen Buddhism. I love the concept. Might have to read more.

I've been practicing playing my guitar... and got a NEW guitar! It's pink and sparkly and beautiful and I love it. Acoustic. I suck at playing, but I love it.

So, that's life in a nutshell. I guess. I really, really need to write more often.

Happy, Happy, Happy Mother's Day to all you wonderful Mama's out there <3

Hello? Is this thing on?

Oh hey, look, my blog still works! Even after weeks of neglect. Go figure.

I've been very absent, in case you noticed. A lot going on. I really need to start blogging again, more regularly. I think I can, now. There have been so many cobwebs in my mind, does that make sense? I have been on twitter and facebook and flickr, but for some reason just had this mental block about blogging.

In a way I wish I could make this blog more, I don't know, private. I have been feeling a little paranoid lately. But I don't want to do that, it defeats the purpose in a way.

I have so much to blog about! I'm still not smoking, I have cheated on my diet, I haven't been going to the gym quite as often as I'd like, but kickboxing tonight so hopefully I will get out of that slump! My family and I went to New York City and it was AWESOME, I've cut all ties with my sister and my parents and I have been fighting about it, I've been getting panic attacks, I've been in and out of a crazy depressed sort of funk, seeing a shrink again, the list goes on and on.

I'm feeling a little sad even as I type this. Hoping the kickboxing will take care of that.

I've been trying to do more reading, I'm planning on another attempt at a vegetable garden this summer. So many things to blog about!!

I am back, for good, I promise. I can't wait to get caught up on my favorite blogs out there, too. I always find inspiration, things I can relate to, etc.

For now, I'm off to kickbox this damn depression right out of me!

I'm Still Here!

I know I haven't been blogging every day anymore, but don't worry, I'm not going anywhere! A lot has been going on, I've been soooo busy, and stressed out and dealing with a lot. A lot of emotional roller coaster rides.

Things have gotten worse as far as my sister goes. Turns out, it's Heroin we are dealing with, for sure. Which is just, heart breaking. I'm having issues with my parents being enablers, too. I have so much to say about all of this, but It's late and I am exhausted. I am going to take some time to sit down and write a more detailed blog post about it tomorrow, for sure. Because I have a lot to say, and I need to sort it out, and write about it.

I will say this: I am still smoke free! So that's a plus for sure. It hasn't been easy, given all the stress these days. There's no way I am going back now.

Well, I need to get some sleep. Hopefully.

Well, Hello There, Blog!

I haven't updated in a while, I think I needed a break from blogging for a few days. Since, you know, I totally blew NaBloPoMo for March. Oh well!!

Just some random bits and pieces tonight. It's Day 13! It hasn't been easy, not smoking. There have been so many moments that I wanted to smoke, SOOOO bad. This second week that is wrapping up was harder than the first week. I still feel confident, and happy that I made it through the rough spots. All this stress in my life, wow. I have been trying to think of other ways I can deal with things like stress, anger, frustration, even boredom. What do non-smokers DO with themselves?? I'm so used to lighting up that cigarette, now I feel like... I have nothing, no coping mechanism at all. I've been so crabby on and off... but mostly ON. My poor hubby, he has taken a lot of crap and attitude from me. I'm happy he puts up with it, haha.

I feel like I have also slacked off a little bit on the whole healthy lifestyle, working out thing, too. But, I'm forgiving myself for that. I may have slacked off, but I have NOT abandoned it completely. I am still doing my best right now. I have noticed that on the days I work out, I feel a million times better. The days I do NOTHING are awful. The exercise keeps me going throughout the day, I mean the whole day is just... better. This is wonderful, because it makes for great motivation. So, no, I did not go to the gym as often as I wanted to this week. But yes, I went. And while I have been eating healthy A LOT, and I'm still not drinking pop, I have "cheated" a few times. Small bag of chips here, burger from Red Robin there, and even a few mallow cups.

But it's ok. Because over all, I am still doing so much better than I was a few months ago. Worlds better. AND I'M NOT SMOKING. That's the important thing. If I am going to waver a bit on anything, because yes I have taken on A LOT of changes at once, I don't want that thing to be the smoking. So, I am ok with this.

I have a lot of ideas and plans to help keep me on track, too. I downloaded some podcasts, things like Mediation, guided meditation, positive affirmations. It all sounds very corny, but It will help. I need to find alternative ways of dealing with stress, sadness, anger, etc.

Also, I am going to be doing my grocery shopping at Whole Foods and Trader Joes. Experimenting with new, different healthy alternatives. Trying new things I can get hooked on that are healthy for me. And, I finally got a Wii Fit!! Yay! I am SO excited about this. We just got it tonight, and my whole family has been having a blast playing. SO MUCH FUN. On the days I just can't push myself to go to the gym, I will have this. It's something. I will get some sort of activity in every day.

As for all the drama with my sister, not too much has changed. She is still staying, well, wherever it is that she is staying. We aren't even sure. She is still mostly avoiding my parents, my family, her husband, and reality in general. I'm very concerned. She isn't even going to be at my parents house for our annual St. Patrick's Day feast this Sunday.

My parents have stated that they are no longer going to make her car payments, and since she has no job I have a feeling it won't be long until she is without a car. Things will get worse for her, but we are hoping this will bring her to a point where she has no other option but to seek help.

Well, I hope everyone out there in bloggy land has a great weekend, I'm sure as hell going to try!!

Dirty Laundry

I am going to write a lot of stuff right now that I should not write. I shouldn't write it, because this is such a public place, and it isn't MY dirty laundry to air. But it effects ME, and I need to do this, as tactfully and privately as I can. I won' be using any real names, and as far as I know people who know me, and my family, in real life don't read this blog.

I don't even know where to start, so this may be a little disorganized and fractured. It's also going to be a long, long story.

I have a sister, 1 sister. We'll call her T. My only sibling. She is 3.5 years younger than I am. She will be 27 next month. When we were kids, we were close. Typical siblings... we played together, talked, were best friends AND worst enemies. We fought like, well, like siblings do.

As we got older, we drifted apart. I made some mistakes. I was depressed and rebellious as a teenager, moved out of the house and in with a boyfriend the month I turned 18. I feel I had been getting a lot of the attention from my parents, because she was the good girl and I had issues. Her and my mother had always been close. I think they became even closer when I ran away. I put them through a lot, and my sister left there, having to deal with their worry and what I was putting them through. She was also there, the only one now, to get more attention.

To make a long story short, I eventually came to my senses, mended my relationship with my parents, had my daughter, got married. My sister was older now, doing her own thing. I feel like the gap between us was just too large, our lives too different, we never really got back to being close. We tried a few times.

My sister only really ever had 2 major relationships. She may have dated here and there between these 2, I don't really know. But only 2 of these relationships were ever serious. One was with her high school boyfriend, F. They were together for a long time, as far as teen age romances go. F was in a band, and my sister learned to play guitar, and music became a major part of her life. Eventually F started getting into drugs. I'm not just talking about smoking a little pot now and then. I'm talking Heroin. She was worried and freaked out, and eventually broke up with him because she didn't like this. She was still very, very young. I can't remember the age, but she was still in high school. So they broke up, and eventually F ended up moving to Texas to go to rehab. (And, a few years ago, he died. OD'ed on heroin).

Fast forward a few years, my sister starts dating D, another member of the band. D is a drummer. Him and my sister get serious, she is playing guitar, they have a band.

One day, my sister comes over to my place. She is now out of high school, my daughter was about 1 year old, so this is going back about 8 years ago. She starts to tell me that her and D have been experimenting with drugs. Mostly Ecstasy, I think she mentioned Acid. Then she told me she tried coke. So I, of course, become very concerned. At the time I was taking some psychology and sociology classes, we covered drugs, I knew how addictive and dangerous these were.

Always having felt like the black sheep of the family for doing things like cutting school in Jr. High, and drinking a little too much in Art school, I am shocked that my "goody goody" sister is into this stuff. So, out of concern, I turn to my parents. Yes, I ratted her out. I was worried. She was an adult now, barely, but an adult and not living at home. I wasn't trying to get her in trouble, or make her look bad. I was genuinely concerned. I printed some info about the drugs she mentioned and showed them to my parents.

They talked to her about it, and she denied everything. Downplayed it. Said she tried something once and hated it, blah blah blah. They believed her. She hated me. Wouldn't talk to me for a long, long time.

Eventually we got over that. Fast forward a few years later. She is working at the same job for years, got promoted to a management position, her and D finish school, D gets an ok job, they get married. Then things start falling apart.

They get hooked on painkillers. This is about a year or two ago. I'm still not sure if that is all they were on, but anyway, they tell my parents because they need help. My parents fork over money for them to go to therapy and get medicine, called suboxone, to help them get over withdrawals. they go to Narcotics Anonymous meetings, etc. My sister starts saying they can only get Suboxone from a certain doctor who only takes cash, they are getting a ton of help from my parents at this point. Then, supposedly, they ween themselves off, and from I understand, quit going to NA meetings. Things go downhill.

It starts with my sister losing her job, Then job after job after job after job. D somehow keeps his, but she is going from one place to another, things like pizza delivery to fast food to waitressing. Can't keep a job very long at all. I see her, and she looks awful. Skinny, TOO skinny. I start to think they are high when I see them. I realize the type of people they hang out with are no good. I express my concern to my parents, who continue to be in denial. Oh sure, sometimes they suspect something, but they confront them and they deny it and my parents believe it, maybe as a defense mechanism. I'm getting more and more worried, more and more frustrated. My sister and D are having money issues. No food in the house, they cancel their cable and internet, they have no phone except prepaid phones they never have minutes for, they are BROKE. Even with no bills, they never seem to have enough money for anything. Where is it going??

Then, something traumatic happens. My sister has this best friend, we will call her S. S is hanging out and my sister and D's apartment. Hanging out late, until like 12 or 1AM. S leaves, goes home. My sister is suppose to hang out with her the next day. S has a little toddler and a boyfriend. S has no car, so HAS to be home, but my sister and S's boyfriend can't get a hold of her. My sister and S's boyfriend arrive at S's apartment, worried. they find S, and she is dead. She was like, 24. She died in her sleep sometime right after hanging out with my sister. I suspected drug overdose. My sister would never say.

I went over to see my sister, and she looked even worse than ever. Unhealthy skinny, sunken eyes, bones jotting out everywhere. Awful.

Again, I try to talk to my parents. Futile.

Fast forward to this past Xmas. My sister and D show up, unable to bring xmas gifts because they have no money, but high as kites. Their eyes, the way they acted, it was awful, and so obvious. To all of us. Even my parents. Nothing is said to them that night. We all could tell, we all talked about it. My parents tried confronting them again, still, denial denial denial.

My sisters car gets repossessed. My parents bail her out, again. She loses another job. Can't find any jobs at all now. D finally lost HIS job, too. And now, this morning, what I find out.

My sister and D were going to be moving into my parents basement on April 1st, I suspect because they were evicted from their apartment. Suddenly, my sister goes missing. D is calling my parents and acting all crazy, saying my sister is hanging out with shady people and some guy he thinks she is cheating on him with. He follows her, he follows this guy, he calls my parents. They can't a hold of her for the longest time, they finally do. She says D is crazy and acting aggressive, she is scared so she is staying with friends. They both start telling my parents things about each other. He says she was in a car with these people and they got arrested, a while back, because the cops found Heroin in the car. She says he got a DUI and is a psycho. On and off, for a week, my parents try to track her down. She won't answer her phone, she won't talk to D, D is getting crazier and crazier. D starts threatening suicide, threatening my sister, it gets bad. So my parents tell D they are coming over. D says ok, he will be there.

They get there and he doesn't answer the door. They bang and bang, pound on the door, practically pound it down, nothing. They are worried, so they call the police, and finally get a hold of my sister again. She is out running around, staying with God knows who doing God knows what, won't come and deal with this at all. My parents have to deal with it. The police come, get inside, He is in there. Obviously on something. EMT's come, he goes to the hospital, where he still is right now.

I don't know if it was a suicide attempt, or if he was just ON something, but he was out of it. Meanwhile, my parents can sometimes get a hold of my sister, and most of the time can't. She won't come to their house, won't come talk to them. People from hospital are calling my parents because they can't a hold of her, she is his wife. The rest of his family is nuts and he is estranged from them.

Their apartment is going to be locked on April 1st, and they have all their stuff in there, while D is in hospital and my sister is off somewhere being crazy. My parents are trying to get her to go there and pack, and they will help and come live with them. She is hiding out, doing whatever it is she is doing, with some guy and some not so great people. Avoiding everything.

My parents are so stressed out, so worried. So not in denial anymore. My dad was crying, his blood pressure is sky high, and they can't get a hold of her, again.

And me? I am so done being concerned and worried, now I am MAD. Angry because my father might have a heart attack over all of this, mad that we are all going through this, mad because she won't just admit she has a problem. Mad, because she is lucky... she has a support system here, parents who would be willing and able to help. Help her get into rehab, whatever she needs. And she doesn't seem to care. She is killing herself, and it's killing my parents, and putting stress on all of us. I'm very worried about my father. I want my daughter to have her PaPa. I want my daughter to have her Aunt. This is awful.

She is being selfish and she needs to grow up, admit she has a problem, get help, deal with what is going on in her life right now. If you can even call it a life.

I thought seeing the body of her dead best friend would be rock bottom. I don't know what rock bottom is. I want my parents to stop enabling, but they won't. Can't. She is their daughter. As a parent, I get this. But what can we do?

I have stayed out of it as much as I can. Well, I just wrote her an email, expressing my concern and my anger. Telling her that her choices are effecting everyone, not just herself.

And my heart is racing, I hate confrontation, she is going to hate me. But I don't care. I'm so sick of this. And I don't know what to do, I don't think there is anything I can do. This sucks.

So, there it is. Nothing more I can say I guess. And maybe it was a bad idea for me to write this all here. But I could use advice, I guess.

My sister (back) and I (front) at her wedding:

I just want everything to be ok, you know? :(

I Suck. Then again, I don't.

So, I suck at reading and commenting on blogs, at least lately. Also, I suck at project 365, as I have failed that miserably. Such a shame, I went so long into it, too! Bah.

But, I don't suck at NaBlogPoMo, I don't suck at quitting smoking, and I don't suck at sticking to my new healthy lifestyle (for the most part).

So, go me, I guess!

Oh Yeah, I'm the QUEEN!

Short post today! First of all, thank you so much Kortney from In The Mix for my latest award! HAHA, I totally LOVE this one. I DO love to vent on my blog, after all! It's great therapy! I just can't believe there are people out there who enjoy reading my rants and whining so much. I'm glad, though.

Well, in just a little over an hour I will officially hit the one week smoke free mark. Yay! Here's to hoping that next week goes better than this week, though honestly It could have been worse, I suppose.

The kiddo is off at a sleepover at her cousins house, so hubby and I are going to snuggle up and watch a movie, and then bed time as I have a sort of early and not very fun morning to deal with tomorrow.

Hoping to finally catch up with all your wonderful blogs at some point tomorrow, too!

Yay for Better Days!

Today was SO much better than yesterday. WHEW.

Thanks you so much for all of your support!! I check my comments from my phone, and you have no idea how much they really do help. For real. I only feel bad that I have been busy and distracted, and haven't been able to catch up with all of YOUR lives, and leave all of YOU wonderful comments, as you've done for me.

I am sure that today ended up being better because I went to the gym. I did strength training and cardio, I worked hard, and my spirits were lifted. My mood was better, I had more energy, and the cravings were barely noticeable. This is how I know I am not making too many changes at once, I am making all the right changes at the right time. Eating healthy and exercising feel good. If I wasn't doing that, I am pretty sure most of my days would be like yesterday.

speaking of eating healthy, I stocked up on more veggies today. I love raw sugar snap peas, radishes, and some baby carrots. OH and some grain corn chips, the healthiest I could find, for when I really need a crunchy chip type snack. AND the most delicious, all natural, healthy, 10 cals per serving green salsa. SO. GOOD.

I know I will have bad days again. In fact, I'm pretty sure this Sunday will be one of them. I have to go to work early, on a day I would have had off, for a meeting and then to CLEAN. And my boss is bringing in DONUTS. Uggh. Haha. But, I survived yesterday. It didn't kill me, it ended, it passed, and I'm still here going strong. So I have that mindset to carry with me through however many bad days may come my way, as I rid my body of this evil, EVIL! Nicotine monster.

Oh, and one more thing. I have decided that when my 10 weeks on the patch is up, I am going to indulge in a HOT yoga class. You know, where they spike the temp up to like, 115? I'm not kidding. I've done it before, and it's hard, but it is WONDERFUL, and coupled with plenty of water what a great way to cleanse the remaining toxicn-ness (is that a word? It is now!) out of my system. Not only will it be goodbye icky cigarettes, it will be goodbye nicotine. For GOOD.

Having a bad day! :(

Today is SUCKING.

First of all, I am majorly PMSing. Crampy, bloated, feeling moody... very moody! I feel fat and my self esteem is taking a nose dive like you would not believe. Whch is NOT helping with the whole no smoking thing. No, I haven't smoked. And no, I am NOT GOING TO. But it just sucks so much worse today. I keep telling myself that I will feel this way regardless of whether or not I light up, because I do EVERY month, even when I WAS smoking. But God, I miss being able to step out on the front porch when I feel this shitty to light up that cigarette.

Secondly, I wanted to go to the gym today, and do an hour of cardio. It's in my goal section for today, on my work out schedule, and I didn't. I felt to crappy,and I was SO exhausted I felt like I hadn't slept in weeks. After my daughter got on the bus for school, I came home and took a nap. I wa out like a light. I don't feel too guilty about this, because I DID go to the gym yesterday and it's not like I have to work out every single day, but... still. I guess I needed that nap. But I feel like crap about it for some reason. And I noticed I have better days, a better mood, and less cravings when I go to the gym. I really don't think I could have done it, I wanted to, I SO wanted to, but I just couldn't.

Thirdly, it's BEAUTIFUL outside. this is suppose to be a GOOD thing. But you know what? Since I didn't go anywhere, I had no way of enjoying it! Because I couldn't go and sit on the porch and enjoy my smoke and nice weather! I couldn't go outside and just sit there and enjoy it WITHOUT SMOKING. It was way, way too much of a trigger. THIS SUCKS!!!!!!!!! I have been waiting for weather like this for so long, and I was cooped up in the damn house!! I feel like I am being gyped.

You have no idea how bad I wish I never, ever would have started smoking in the first place. Because this? Is awful. AWFUL.

Lastly, I have to work tonight. I don't feel good, I don't want to work, and work is going to be rough like it was the other night, as far as triggers go, again. And I feel less ready for them than I did the other night.

Another concern I have is, I went a few hours without a patch on today, and those hours were god awful. I did it because I wanted to let the nicotine from the previous patch get out of my system before I put a new one on, so I wouldn't get all sick and dizzy like I did a few days ago. Those hours were so bad, that now I am afraid of ever going without a patch. It's a ten week program, and I know I am only in my first week. But what if it's still that bad after 10 weeks??

My biggest fear is that this will never get easier. I have heard stories about people who crave cigarettes 10 years after they quit. My God, am I really going to have to deal with this the rest of my LIFE???

OK. I'm done with my pity party now. Sigh.