Dirty Laundry
Tuesday, March 16, 2010 by Mandy (ZenMonkeyMind)
I am going to write a lot of stuff right now that I should not write. I shouldn't write it, because this is such a public place, and it isn't MY dirty laundry to air. But it effects ME, and I need to do this, as tactfully and privately as I can. I won' be using any real names, and as far as I know people who know me, and my family, in real life don't read this blog.
I don't even know where to start, so this may be a little disorganized and fractured. It's also going to be a long, long story.
I have a sister, 1 sister. We'll call her T. My only sibling. She is 3.5 years younger than I am. She will be 27 next month. When we were kids, we were close. Typical siblings... we played together, talked, were best friends AND worst enemies. We fought like, well, like siblings do.
As we got older, we drifted apart. I made some mistakes. I was depressed and rebellious as a teenager, moved out of the house and in with a boyfriend the month I turned 18. I feel I had been getting a lot of the attention from my parents, because she was the good girl and I had issues. Her and my mother had always been close. I think they became even closer when I ran away. I put them through a lot, and my sister left there, having to deal with their worry and what I was putting them through. She was also there, the only one now, to get more attention.
To make a long story short, I eventually came to my senses, mended my relationship with my parents, had my daughter, got married. My sister was older now, doing her own thing. I feel like the gap between us was just too large, our lives too different, we never really got back to being close. We tried a few times.
My sister only really ever had 2 major relationships. She may have dated here and there between these 2, I don't really know. But only 2 of these relationships were ever serious. One was with her high school boyfriend, F. They were together for a long time, as far as teen age romances go. F was in a band, and my sister learned to play guitar, and music became a major part of her life. Eventually F started getting into drugs. I'm not just talking about smoking a little pot now and then. I'm talking Heroin. She was worried and freaked out, and eventually broke up with him because she didn't like this. She was still very, very young. I can't remember the age, but she was still in high school. So they broke up, and eventually F ended up moving to Texas to go to rehab. (And, a few years ago, he died. OD'ed on heroin).
Fast forward a few years, my sister starts dating D, another member of the band. D is a drummer. Him and my sister get serious, she is playing guitar, they have a band.
One day, my sister comes over to my place. She is now out of high school, my daughter was about 1 year old, so this is going back about 8 years ago. She starts to tell me that her and D have been experimenting with drugs. Mostly Ecstasy, I think she mentioned Acid. Then she told me she tried coke. So I, of course, become very concerned. At the time I was taking some psychology and sociology classes, we covered drugs, I knew how addictive and dangerous these were.
Always having felt like the black sheep of the family for doing things like cutting school in Jr. High, and drinking a little too much in Art school, I am shocked that my "goody goody" sister is into this stuff. So, out of concern, I turn to my parents. Yes, I ratted her out. I was worried. She was an adult now, barely, but an adult and not living at home. I wasn't trying to get her in trouble, or make her look bad. I was genuinely concerned. I printed some info about the drugs she mentioned and showed them to my parents.
They talked to her about it, and she denied everything. Downplayed it. Said she tried something once and hated it, blah blah blah. They believed her. She hated me. Wouldn't talk to me for a long, long time.
Eventually we got over that. Fast forward a few years later. She is working at the same job for years, got promoted to a management position, her and D finish school, D gets an ok job, they get married. Then things start falling apart.
They get hooked on painkillers. This is about a year or two ago. I'm still not sure if that is all they were on, but anyway, they tell my parents because they need help. My parents fork over money for them to go to therapy and get medicine, called suboxone, to help them get over withdrawals. they go to Narcotics Anonymous meetings, etc. My sister starts saying they can only get Suboxone from a certain doctor who only takes cash, they are getting a ton of help from my parents at this point. Then, supposedly, they ween themselves off, and from I understand, quit going to NA meetings. Things go downhill.
It starts with my sister losing her job, Then job after job after job after job. D somehow keeps his, but she is going from one place to another, things like pizza delivery to fast food to waitressing. Can't keep a job very long at all. I see her, and she looks awful. Skinny, TOO skinny. I start to think they are high when I see them. I realize the type of people they hang out with are no good. I express my concern to my parents, who continue to be in denial. Oh sure, sometimes they suspect something, but they confront them and they deny it and my parents believe it, maybe as a defense mechanism. I'm getting more and more worried, more and more frustrated. My sister and D are having money issues. No food in the house, they cancel their cable and internet, they have no phone except prepaid phones they never have minutes for, they are BROKE. Even with no bills, they never seem to have enough money for anything. Where is it going??
Then, something traumatic happens. My sister has this best friend, we will call her S. S is hanging out and my sister and D's apartment. Hanging out late, until like 12 or 1AM. S leaves, goes home. My sister is suppose to hang out with her the next day. S has a little toddler and a boyfriend. S has no car, so HAS to be home, but my sister and S's boyfriend can't get a hold of her. My sister and S's boyfriend arrive at S's apartment, worried. they find S, and she is dead. She was like, 24. She died in her sleep sometime right after hanging out with my sister. I suspected drug overdose. My sister would never say.
I went over to see my sister, and she looked even worse than ever. Unhealthy skinny, sunken eyes, bones jotting out everywhere. Awful.
Again, I try to talk to my parents. Futile.
Fast forward to this past Xmas. My sister and D show up, unable to bring xmas gifts because they have no money, but high as kites. Their eyes, the way they acted, it was awful, and so obvious. To all of us. Even my parents. Nothing is said to them that night. We all could tell, we all talked about it. My parents tried confronting them again, still, denial denial denial.
My sisters car gets repossessed. My parents bail her out, again. She loses another job. Can't find any jobs at all now. D finally lost HIS job, too. And now, this morning, what I find out.
My sister and D were going to be moving into my parents basement on April 1st, I suspect because they were evicted from their apartment. Suddenly, my sister goes missing. D is calling my parents and acting all crazy, saying my sister is hanging out with shady people and some guy he thinks she is cheating on him with. He follows her, he follows this guy, he calls my parents. They can't a hold of her for the longest time, they finally do. She says D is crazy and acting aggressive, she is scared so she is staying with friends. They both start telling my parents things about each other. He says she was in a car with these people and they got arrested, a while back, because the cops found Heroin in the car. She says he got a DUI and is a psycho. On and off, for a week, my parents try to track her down. She won't answer her phone, she won't talk to D, D is getting crazier and crazier. D starts threatening suicide, threatening my sister, it gets bad. So my parents tell D they are coming over. D says ok, he will be there.
They get there and he doesn't answer the door. They bang and bang, pound on the door, practically pound it down, nothing. They are worried, so they call the police, and finally get a hold of my sister again. She is out running around, staying with God knows who doing God knows what, won't come and deal with this at all. My parents have to deal with it. The police come, get inside, He is in there. Obviously on something. EMT's come, he goes to the hospital, where he still is right now.
I don't know if it was a suicide attempt, or if he was just ON something, but he was out of it. Meanwhile, my parents can sometimes get a hold of my sister, and most of the time can't. She won't come to their house, won't come talk to them. People from hospital are calling my parents because they can't a hold of her, she is his wife. The rest of his family is nuts and he is estranged from them.
Their apartment is going to be locked on April 1st, and they have all their stuff in there, while D is in hospital and my sister is off somewhere being crazy. My parents are trying to get her to go there and pack, and they will help and come live with them. She is hiding out, doing whatever it is she is doing, with some guy and some not so great people. Avoiding everything.
My parents are so stressed out, so worried. So not in denial anymore. My dad was crying, his blood pressure is sky high, and they can't get a hold of her, again.
And me? I am so done being concerned and worried, now I am MAD. Angry because my father might have a heart attack over all of this, mad that we are all going through this, mad because she won't just admit she has a problem. Mad, because she is lucky... she has a support system here, parents who would be willing and able to help. Help her get into rehab, whatever she needs. And she doesn't seem to care. She is killing herself, and it's killing my parents, and putting stress on all of us. I'm very worried about my father. I want my daughter to have her PaPa. I want my daughter to have her Aunt. This is awful.
She is being selfish and she needs to grow up, admit she has a problem, get help, deal with what is going on in her life right now. If you can even call it a life.
I thought seeing the body of her dead best friend would be rock bottom. I don't know what rock bottom is. I want my parents to stop enabling, but they won't. Can't. She is their daughter. As a parent, I get this. But what can we do?
I have stayed out of it as much as I can. Well, I just wrote her an email, expressing my concern and my anger. Telling her that her choices are effecting everyone, not just herself.
And my heart is racing, I hate confrontation, she is going to hate me. But I don't care. I'm so sick of this. And I don't know what to do, I don't think there is anything I can do. This sucks.
So, there it is. Nothing more I can say I guess. And maybe it was a bad idea for me to write this all here. But I could use advice, I guess.
My sister (back) and I (front) at her wedding:
I just want everything to be ok, you know? :(
I don't even know where to start, so this may be a little disorganized and fractured. It's also going to be a long, long story.
I have a sister, 1 sister. We'll call her T. My only sibling. She is 3.5 years younger than I am. She will be 27 next month. When we were kids, we were close. Typical siblings... we played together, talked, were best friends AND worst enemies. We fought like, well, like siblings do.
As we got older, we drifted apart. I made some mistakes. I was depressed and rebellious as a teenager, moved out of the house and in with a boyfriend the month I turned 18. I feel I had been getting a lot of the attention from my parents, because she was the good girl and I had issues. Her and my mother had always been close. I think they became even closer when I ran away. I put them through a lot, and my sister left there, having to deal with their worry and what I was putting them through. She was also there, the only one now, to get more attention.
To make a long story short, I eventually came to my senses, mended my relationship with my parents, had my daughter, got married. My sister was older now, doing her own thing. I feel like the gap between us was just too large, our lives too different, we never really got back to being close. We tried a few times.
My sister only really ever had 2 major relationships. She may have dated here and there between these 2, I don't really know. But only 2 of these relationships were ever serious. One was with her high school boyfriend, F. They were together for a long time, as far as teen age romances go. F was in a band, and my sister learned to play guitar, and music became a major part of her life. Eventually F started getting into drugs. I'm not just talking about smoking a little pot now and then. I'm talking Heroin. She was worried and freaked out, and eventually broke up with him because she didn't like this. She was still very, very young. I can't remember the age, but she was still in high school. So they broke up, and eventually F ended up moving to Texas to go to rehab. (And, a few years ago, he died. OD'ed on heroin).
Fast forward a few years, my sister starts dating D, another member of the band. D is a drummer. Him and my sister get serious, she is playing guitar, they have a band.
One day, my sister comes over to my place. She is now out of high school, my daughter was about 1 year old, so this is going back about 8 years ago. She starts to tell me that her and D have been experimenting with drugs. Mostly Ecstasy, I think she mentioned Acid. Then she told me she tried coke. So I, of course, become very concerned. At the time I was taking some psychology and sociology classes, we covered drugs, I knew how addictive and dangerous these were.
Always having felt like the black sheep of the family for doing things like cutting school in Jr. High, and drinking a little too much in Art school, I am shocked that my "goody goody" sister is into this stuff. So, out of concern, I turn to my parents. Yes, I ratted her out. I was worried. She was an adult now, barely, but an adult and not living at home. I wasn't trying to get her in trouble, or make her look bad. I was genuinely concerned. I printed some info about the drugs she mentioned and showed them to my parents.
They talked to her about it, and she denied everything. Downplayed it. Said she tried something once and hated it, blah blah blah. They believed her. She hated me. Wouldn't talk to me for a long, long time.
Eventually we got over that. Fast forward a few years later. She is working at the same job for years, got promoted to a management position, her and D finish school, D gets an ok job, they get married. Then things start falling apart.
They get hooked on painkillers. This is about a year or two ago. I'm still not sure if that is all they were on, but anyway, they tell my parents because they need help. My parents fork over money for them to go to therapy and get medicine, called suboxone, to help them get over withdrawals. they go to Narcotics Anonymous meetings, etc. My sister starts saying they can only get Suboxone from a certain doctor who only takes cash, they are getting a ton of help from my parents at this point. Then, supposedly, they ween themselves off, and from I understand, quit going to NA meetings. Things go downhill.
It starts with my sister losing her job, Then job after job after job after job. D somehow keeps his, but she is going from one place to another, things like pizza delivery to fast food to waitressing. Can't keep a job very long at all. I see her, and she looks awful. Skinny, TOO skinny. I start to think they are high when I see them. I realize the type of people they hang out with are no good. I express my concern to my parents, who continue to be in denial. Oh sure, sometimes they suspect something, but they confront them and they deny it and my parents believe it, maybe as a defense mechanism. I'm getting more and more worried, more and more frustrated. My sister and D are having money issues. No food in the house, they cancel their cable and internet, they have no phone except prepaid phones they never have minutes for, they are BROKE. Even with no bills, they never seem to have enough money for anything. Where is it going??
Then, something traumatic happens. My sister has this best friend, we will call her S. S is hanging out and my sister and D's apartment. Hanging out late, until like 12 or 1AM. S leaves, goes home. My sister is suppose to hang out with her the next day. S has a little toddler and a boyfriend. S has no car, so HAS to be home, but my sister and S's boyfriend can't get a hold of her. My sister and S's boyfriend arrive at S's apartment, worried. they find S, and she is dead. She was like, 24. She died in her sleep sometime right after hanging out with my sister. I suspected drug overdose. My sister would never say.
I went over to see my sister, and she looked even worse than ever. Unhealthy skinny, sunken eyes, bones jotting out everywhere. Awful.
Again, I try to talk to my parents. Futile.
Fast forward to this past Xmas. My sister and D show up, unable to bring xmas gifts because they have no money, but high as kites. Their eyes, the way they acted, it was awful, and so obvious. To all of us. Even my parents. Nothing is said to them that night. We all could tell, we all talked about it. My parents tried confronting them again, still, denial denial denial.
My sisters car gets repossessed. My parents bail her out, again. She loses another job. Can't find any jobs at all now. D finally lost HIS job, too. And now, this morning, what I find out.
My sister and D were going to be moving into my parents basement on April 1st, I suspect because they were evicted from their apartment. Suddenly, my sister goes missing. D is calling my parents and acting all crazy, saying my sister is hanging out with shady people and some guy he thinks she is cheating on him with. He follows her, he follows this guy, he calls my parents. They can't a hold of her for the longest time, they finally do. She says D is crazy and acting aggressive, she is scared so she is staying with friends. They both start telling my parents things about each other. He says she was in a car with these people and they got arrested, a while back, because the cops found Heroin in the car. She says he got a DUI and is a psycho. On and off, for a week, my parents try to track her down. She won't answer her phone, she won't talk to D, D is getting crazier and crazier. D starts threatening suicide, threatening my sister, it gets bad. So my parents tell D they are coming over. D says ok, he will be there.
They get there and he doesn't answer the door. They bang and bang, pound on the door, practically pound it down, nothing. They are worried, so they call the police, and finally get a hold of my sister again. She is out running around, staying with God knows who doing God knows what, won't come and deal with this at all. My parents have to deal with it. The police come, get inside, He is in there. Obviously on something. EMT's come, he goes to the hospital, where he still is right now.
I don't know if it was a suicide attempt, or if he was just ON something, but he was out of it. Meanwhile, my parents can sometimes get a hold of my sister, and most of the time can't. She won't come to their house, won't come talk to them. People from hospital are calling my parents because they can't a hold of her, she is his wife. The rest of his family is nuts and he is estranged from them.
Their apartment is going to be locked on April 1st, and they have all their stuff in there, while D is in hospital and my sister is off somewhere being crazy. My parents are trying to get her to go there and pack, and they will help and come live with them. She is hiding out, doing whatever it is she is doing, with some guy and some not so great people. Avoiding everything.
My parents are so stressed out, so worried. So not in denial anymore. My dad was crying, his blood pressure is sky high, and they can't get a hold of her, again.
And me? I am so done being concerned and worried, now I am MAD. Angry because my father might have a heart attack over all of this, mad that we are all going through this, mad because she won't just admit she has a problem. Mad, because she is lucky... she has a support system here, parents who would be willing and able to help. Help her get into rehab, whatever she needs. And she doesn't seem to care. She is killing herself, and it's killing my parents, and putting stress on all of us. I'm very worried about my father. I want my daughter to have her PaPa. I want my daughter to have her Aunt. This is awful.
She is being selfish and she needs to grow up, admit she has a problem, get help, deal with what is going on in her life right now. If you can even call it a life.
I thought seeing the body of her dead best friend would be rock bottom. I don't know what rock bottom is. I want my parents to stop enabling, but they won't. Can't. She is their daughter. As a parent, I get this. But what can we do?
I have stayed out of it as much as I can. Well, I just wrote her an email, expressing my concern and my anger. Telling her that her choices are effecting everyone, not just herself.
And my heart is racing, I hate confrontation, she is going to hate me. But I don't care. I'm so sick of this. And I don't know what to do, I don't think there is anything I can do. This sucks.
So, there it is. Nothing more I can say I guess. And maybe it was a bad idea for me to write this all here. But I could use advice, I guess.
My sister (back) and I (front) at her wedding:
I just want everything to be ok, you know? :(
Posts
wow. im so sorry you have to go through this.
i think you did a good thing by writing your sister the email, even if she does end up hating you for it. you did what you needed to do and said what needed to be said. if something bad ends up happening to your sister, you would have regretted NOT saying something. at this point, it's all up to your sister. but at least now you have a clean conscience knowing you said your piece.
i have some issues with my mom right now. although shes not doing anything nearly as scary as what your sister is up to, the person she is now frightens me and i feel like her judgement is clouded. i had to make the tough choice to not really see her that much anymore and to mostly keep her away from my kids. its been so hard and painful, but i also think if someone is poisoning your life, you are under no obligation to keep them around.
that being said, i feel for your parents. when its a child, its much different. i cant even begin to imagine the pain they're in right now.
hang in there. :)
I am so so so sorry that you and your family are having to go through this. I have sisters and would HATE to see any one of them like this. I dated someone for a long time who had an addiction to pain killers (I am drug free, they just aren't for me!) so I know that it is VERY hard and VERY frustrating to see someone you care about throw themselves away like that. I really hope that your sister is able to snap about of this selfish crap that she is pulling and realize just how lucky she is to have the support system she still has, before it is too late. My thoughts are with you and your family. Do not feel bad for posting this. This is your outlet, your place to vent. She lost the right to any privacy when she made choices that negatively affected the people that care about her the most. Please keep your readers posted.
I have no advice but my thoughts are with you and your family
I dont know you, or a situation like this well enough to give you any good advice Mandy, but know that I have you, your sister, and your parents in my prayers and pockets.
I'm so sorry. :( I'm sending you an email. <3
I think what you did was excellent, all the way through this. Things like this are so frustrating for me when nothing I do makes it all better.
Oprah had an article recently with a drug counselor talking about myths with drug addiction. He said "Through a loving invitation to change and family intervention, we help him get ready."
http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Helping-an-Addict-Brad-Lamm/1
I'm sending prayers for all of you.
PS Keep on taking care of yourself so you can help take care of others.
XD
I think it's good that you took the time to write all of this out. In my experience, writing brings clarity. I hope the right thing happens for all of you -- and especially your dad. Thinking good thoughts for you and the rest of your family.
I'm so sorry for you but...don't be desperate...maybe something can change...why not in a better whay..Don't you think!?
Have a lovely weekend...I really wish you
Dario
that being said, i feel for your parents. when its a child, its much different. i cant even begin to imagine the pain they're in right now.
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