I Am Java Mama

Give me a second to blow the dust off of this blog.

OK. That's better.

So, are you still here? Anyone still with me? I'm not abandoning this blog, I swear. I just haven't been able to write. I don't know why. I have a lot to say, I just haven't been able to say it. Sigh.

Let me get you all caught up with my life. Not too much has changed, really. I am still not smoking. I'm also off of the patch! So, no more icky nicotine in my system. I'm pretty crazy happy and proud of myself, really. I did it.

I've taken up running. Well, sort of. You know I have been talking about it for, like, EVER. I mostly just walk, because I'm kind of sucky with the whole running thing at this point. I should follow the couch to 5k thing I have been wanting to follow, but for right now I am just doing it for me. I don't want anything to follow or stick with, I want to go out with just myself and my music, and walk. Run when I can. Try to run more each time. But at the very least, walk.

I haven't been going to the gym as much, I blame the nice weather. Who wants to be stuck indoors in a stuffy, sweaty, boring old gym when you can be in the sun, walking or running under the endless blue sky? Not me. I am going to the gym tomorrow night, for kickboxing that I have missed the past few weeks. MIGHT stay for the yoga class afterward. We'll see how I feel. Don't want to overdo it, but I have been wanting to really get back into the yoga thing.

I've been reading some books about Zen Buddhism. I love the concept. Might have to read more.

I've been practicing playing my guitar... and got a NEW guitar! It's pink and sparkly and beautiful and I love it. Acoustic. I suck at playing, but I love it.

So, that's life in a nutshell. I guess. I really, really need to write more often.

Happy, Happy, Happy Mother's Day to all you wonderful Mama's out there <3

Oh hey, look, my blog still works! Even after weeks of neglect. Go figure.

I've been very absent, in case you noticed. A lot going on. I really need to start blogging again, more regularly. I think I can, now. There have been so many cobwebs in my mind, does that make sense? I have been on twitter and facebook and flickr, but for some reason just had this mental block about blogging.

In a way I wish I could make this blog more, I don't know, private. I have been feeling a little paranoid lately. But I don't want to do that, it defeats the purpose in a way.

I have so much to blog about! I'm still not smoking, I have cheated on my diet, I haven't been going to the gym quite as often as I'd like, but kickboxing tonight so hopefully I will get out of that slump! My family and I went to New York City and it was AWESOME, I've cut all ties with my sister and my parents and I have been fighting about it, I've been getting panic attacks, I've been in and out of a crazy depressed sort of funk, seeing a shrink again, the list goes on and on.

I'm feeling a little sad even as I type this. Hoping the kickboxing will take care of that.

I've been trying to do more reading, I'm planning on another attempt at a vegetable garden this summer. So many things to blog about!!

I am back, for good, I promise. I can't wait to get caught up on my favorite blogs out there, too. I always find inspiration, things I can relate to, etc.

For now, I'm off to kickbox this damn depression right out of me!

I know I haven't been blogging every day anymore, but don't worry, I'm not going anywhere! A lot has been going on, I've been soooo busy, and stressed out and dealing with a lot. A lot of emotional roller coaster rides.

Things have gotten worse as far as my sister goes. Turns out, it's Heroin we are dealing with, for sure. Which is just, heart breaking. I'm having issues with my parents being enablers, too. I have so much to say about all of this, but It's late and I am exhausted. I am going to take some time to sit down and write a more detailed blog post about it tomorrow, for sure. Because I have a lot to say, and I need to sort it out, and write about it.

I will say this: I am still smoke free! So that's a plus for sure. It hasn't been easy, given all the stress these days. There's no way I am going back now.

Well, I need to get some sleep. Hopefully.

I haven't updated in a while, I think I needed a break from blogging for a few days. Since, you know, I totally blew NaBloPoMo for March. Oh well!!

Just some random bits and pieces tonight. It's Day 13! It hasn't been easy, not smoking. There have been so many moments that I wanted to smoke, SOOOO bad. This second week that is wrapping up was harder than the first week. I still feel confident, and happy that I made it through the rough spots. All this stress in my life, wow. I have been trying to think of other ways I can deal with things like stress, anger, frustration, even boredom. What do non-smokers DO with themselves?? I'm so used to lighting up that cigarette, now I feel like... I have nothing, no coping mechanism at all. I've been so crabby on and off... but mostly ON. My poor hubby, he has taken a lot of crap and attitude from me. I'm happy he puts up with it, haha.

I feel like I have also slacked off a little bit on the whole healthy lifestyle, working out thing, too. But, I'm forgiving myself for that. I may have slacked off, but I have NOT abandoned it completely. I am still doing my best right now. I have noticed that on the days I work out, I feel a million times better. The days I do NOTHING are awful. The exercise keeps me going throughout the day, I mean the whole day is just... better. This is wonderful, because it makes for great motivation. So, no, I did not go to the gym as often as I wanted to this week. But yes, I went. And while I have been eating healthy A LOT, and I'm still not drinking pop, I have "cheated" a few times. Small bag of chips here, burger from Red Robin there, and even a few mallow cups.

But it's ok. Because over all, I am still doing so much better than I was a few months ago. Worlds better. AND I'M NOT SMOKING. That's the important thing. If I am going to waver a bit on anything, because yes I have taken on A LOT of changes at once, I don't want that thing to be the smoking. So, I am ok with this.

I have a lot of ideas and plans to help keep me on track, too. I downloaded some podcasts, things like Mediation, guided meditation, positive affirmations. It all sounds very corny, but It will help. I need to find alternative ways of dealing with stress, sadness, anger, etc.

Also, I am going to be doing my grocery shopping at Whole Foods and Trader Joes. Experimenting with new, different healthy alternatives. Trying new things I can get hooked on that are healthy for me. And, I finally got a Wii Fit!! Yay! I am SO excited about this. We just got it tonight, and my whole family has been having a blast playing. SO MUCH FUN. On the days I just can't push myself to go to the gym, I will have this. It's something. I will get some sort of activity in every day.

As for all the drama with my sister, not too much has changed. She is still staying, well, wherever it is that she is staying. We aren't even sure. She is still mostly avoiding my parents, my family, her husband, and reality in general. I'm very concerned. She isn't even going to be at my parents house for our annual St. Patrick's Day feast this Sunday.

My parents have stated that they are no longer going to make her car payments, and since she has no job I have a feeling it won't be long until she is without a car. Things will get worse for her, but we are hoping this will bring her to a point where she has no other option but to seek help.

Well, I hope everyone out there in bloggy land has a great weekend, I'm sure as hell going to try!!

So, I suck at reading and commenting on blogs, at least lately. Also, I suck at project 365, as I have failed that miserably. Such a shame, I went so long into it, too! Bah.

But, I don't suck at NaBlogPoMo, I don't suck at quitting smoking, and I don't suck at sticking to my new healthy lifestyle (for the most part).

So, go me, I guess!

Short post today! First of all, thank you so much Kortney from In The Mix for my latest award! HAHA, I totally LOVE this one. I DO love to vent on my blog, after all! It's great therapy! I just can't believe there are people out there who enjoy reading my rants and whining so much. I'm glad, though.

Well, in just a little over an hour I will officially hit the one week smoke free mark. Yay! Here's to hoping that next week goes better than this week, though honestly It could have been worse, I suppose.

The kiddo is off at a sleepover at her cousins house, so hubby and I are going to snuggle up and watch a movie, and then bed time as I have a sort of early and not very fun morning to deal with tomorrow.

Hoping to finally catch up with all your wonderful blogs at some point tomorrow, too!

Today was SO much better than yesterday. WHEW.

Thanks you so much for all of your support!! I check my comments from my phone, and you have no idea how much they really do help. For real. I only feel bad that I have been busy and distracted, and haven't been able to catch up with all of YOUR lives, and leave all of YOU wonderful comments, as you've done for me.

I am sure that today ended up being better because I went to the gym. I did strength training and cardio, I worked hard, and my spirits were lifted. My mood was better, I had more energy, and the cravings were barely noticeable. This is how I know I am not making too many changes at once, I am making all the right changes at the right time. Eating healthy and exercising feel good. If I wasn't doing that, I am pretty sure most of my days would be like yesterday.

speaking of eating healthy, I stocked up on more veggies today. I love raw sugar snap peas, radishes, and some baby carrots. OH and some grain corn chips, the healthiest I could find, for when I really need a crunchy chip type snack. AND the most delicious, all natural, healthy, 10 cals per serving green salsa. SO. GOOD.

I know I will have bad days again. In fact, I'm pretty sure this Sunday will be one of them. I have to go to work early, on a day I would have had off, for a meeting and then to CLEAN. And my boss is bringing in DONUTS. Uggh. Haha. But, I survived yesterday. It didn't kill me, it ended, it passed, and I'm still here going strong. So I have that mindset to carry with me through however many bad days may come my way, as I rid my body of this evil, EVIL! Nicotine monster.

Oh, and one more thing. I have decided that when my 10 weeks on the patch is up, I am going to indulge in a HOT yoga class. You know, where they spike the temp up to like, 115? I'm not kidding. I've done it before, and it's hard, but it is WONDERFUL, and coupled with plenty of water what a great way to cleanse the remaining toxicn-ness (is that a word? It is now!) out of my system. Not only will it be goodbye icky cigarettes, it will be goodbye nicotine. For GOOD.

Today is SUCKING.

First of all, I am majorly PMSing. Crampy, bloated, feeling moody... very moody! I feel fat and my self esteem is taking a nose dive like you would not believe. Whch is NOT helping with the whole no smoking thing. No, I haven't smoked. And no, I am NOT GOING TO. But it just sucks so much worse today. I keep telling myself that I will feel this way regardless of whether or not I light up, because I do EVERY month, even when I WAS smoking. But God, I miss being able to step out on the front porch when I feel this shitty to light up that cigarette.

Secondly, I wanted to go to the gym today, and do an hour of cardio. It's in my goal section for today, on my work out schedule, and I didn't. I felt to crappy,and I was SO exhausted I felt like I hadn't slept in weeks. After my daughter got on the bus for school, I came home and took a nap. I wa out like a light. I don't feel too guilty about this, because I DID go to the gym yesterday and it's not like I have to work out every single day, but... still. I guess I needed that nap. But I feel like crap about it for some reason. And I noticed I have better days, a better mood, and less cravings when I go to the gym. I really don't think I could have done it, I wanted to, I SO wanted to, but I just couldn't.

Thirdly, it's BEAUTIFUL outside. this is suppose to be a GOOD thing. But you know what? Since I didn't go anywhere, I had no way of enjoying it! Because I couldn't go and sit on the porch and enjoy my smoke and nice weather! I couldn't go outside and just sit there and enjoy it WITHOUT SMOKING. It was way, way too much of a trigger. THIS SUCKS!!!!!!!!! I have been waiting for weather like this for so long, and I was cooped up in the damn house!! I feel like I am being gyped.

You have no idea how bad I wish I never, ever would have started smoking in the first place. Because this? Is awful. AWFUL.

Lastly, I have to work tonight. I don't feel good, I don't want to work, and work is going to be rough like it was the other night, as far as triggers go, again. And I feel less ready for them than I did the other night.

Another concern I have is, I went a few hours without a patch on today, and those hours were god awful. I did it because I wanted to let the nicotine from the previous patch get out of my system before I put a new one on, so I wouldn't get all sick and dizzy like I did a few days ago. Those hours were so bad, that now I am afraid of ever going without a patch. It's a ten week program, and I know I am only in my first week. But what if it's still that bad after 10 weeks??

My biggest fear is that this will never get easier. I have heard stories about people who crave cigarettes 10 years after they quit. My God, am I really going to have to deal with this the rest of my LIFE???

OK. I'm done with my pity party now. Sigh.

I'm the "Qwitter" of the week on Twitter! @ciggybuttz gave me this certificate. How cool is that?

Well, last night was my first night at work as a non-smoker. It went... ok. I mean, I didn't smoke or anything, but it was a little rough at times. I was working in the photo lab of a local camera shop, and I kept thinking about all the things that could go wrong, and drive me crazy. Like, when the printer jams. This is the most frustrating ever for me, I just hate it! Or that all the paper would run out and I'd have to keep changing it, which can be a huge pain in the butt. Or the most annoying, or most difficult customers would come in. Or we'd be super busy and it would be super stressful, or we would be super slow and I would be super bored.

I'm so use to smoking there, because I could go out back and take a short little smoke break whenever I wanted to. There was a whole different set of triggers there... like, at 6:00 pm I almost always went out and had one. If the paper would jam in the printer, I would go out and have on and THEN come in and deal with it. This is a super annoying situation, because when one of our monster photo printers jams it isn't like when the little office printer jams... it's a pain to fix, you have do a million things, and you feel rushed because you are trying to get customers orders done in a certain amount of time.

It jammed, of course.

Another trigger: The difficult customer. The one who gets mad at you when their pictures turn out crappy, even though it was the picture itself and not anything you did, and there isn't anything you can do to make it better. I can't tell you how many times I have been asked if we can make an out of focus picture look more in focus. No, we can't. Or the customer who messed something up when ordering, and then expects you to get their new prints out in 10 minutes instead of an hour because they already waited an hour for their original, messed up order.

I always go for a smoke after dealing with these, and a few other, difficult people.

Or when it gets super busy, and you finally have a dead moment so you run out back real quick and come back in feeling better and ready to handle anything lse that comes your way.

The list goes on and on.

The printer jammed. The paper ran out, and that is a huge and kind of heavy cartridge that needs to be changed in an uncomfortable squatting position on the floor in the dark. Good times!! I had one sort of annoying customer, we got busy for a bit... right after I called and ordered my sushi and needed to pick it up. So I was busy and stressed and hungry, and my sushi was sitting out on the counter at the Japanese restaurant probably going very bad, and I couldn't leave the store to get it, and I couldn't have a smoke so omg what was I going to DO with myself??

Then it got kind of slow, and I was bored and wanted to smoke because I was bored! Haha.

My co-worker that night is an ex-smoker, who was happy to hear that I quit. I think it really helped having him there, he was a very nice distraction. I think he kept coming in and helping me with the orders, and talking to me, to help me through it. Very supportive, so that was a plus.

By the end of the night, I was so proud... I did it! t was honestly the first time I had to deal with even a little bit of stress since quitting. And I did it, and I feel like since I made it through that then that means hey, I really CAN handle this!

Not only just at work, but the whole day for was filled with more frequent and more intense cravings. I got pretty crabby by the end of the day.

Today has been GREAT. I went to the gym and really, really had an amazing work out. I pushed myself harder than ever before, did strength training AND cardio, and I have felt SO much better today than yesterday. In fact, I haven't really had any major cravings at ALL. Which is awesome.

I can't believe it, but I have kept up with eating right, eating healthy, drinking a ton of water, and staying within my allotted calorie amount through all of this. I was worried about the munchies and weight gain with the whole quitting smoking thing. It's working out well, though.

So, here I am, well into Day 4!

Day 3! I'm on Day 3, smoke free! Woo-hoo, go me! It hasn't been the easiest thing in the world, but not the hardest, either. I did have a problem with the patch yesterday, when I put the new one on I got all sweaty, dizzy, and nauseated. It was NOT fun. I rode it out, it passed in about 15 to 20 minutes, and no problems today. So, that's good.

I got a work out journal! It has a ton of info, I'm learning about WHY the changes I am making are good for me instead of just HOW to make them, the right way to work out, mixing cardio with strength training and flexibility, and everything you ever wanted to know about nutrition. And I can track EVERYTHING. I do mean EVERYTHING. For cardio you can track time, duration, calories burned, how you felt, energy level, depending on what you are doing you can track speed and distance, etc. For strength you keep track of muscles used, weight, reps, sets etc. There are sections for group fitness classes, yadda yadda yadda. And you track everything you eat, servings, calories, protein, carbs, fiber, etc. Oh, and water, and... more. It's very, um, thorough. And it came with STICKERS for when you meet your daily goals. Haha. Love it. It fits in my purse and I'm taking it with me everywhere!

My daughter is following The Iditarod for school. I think this is awesome! Each student picked a musher, and they are tracking their mushers through the race. Hers is Zack Steer, and he WAS in 45th place and last night we checked and he is in 5th! (Uh-Oh, I just checked and now he is in 12th place. She isn't going to be too happy, haha.) She was pretty excited. I love hearing her spout off facts that I didn't know, like that they travel for 1200 miles, where theyleave and where they go, she knows all kinds of cool facts. I love it. I was thinking it wuld be cool to try to figure how to somehow contact her musher, and ask if he would write her a letter all about his experience in the race. Wouldn't THAT be awesome? She would FREAK. Not sure how to go about doing that, though. I will have to do some research on that one!

Yep, So, that's my life in a nutshell right now. Head over to The UnMom for more Random Tuesday fun!

I haven't had a smoke since 11:30 last night!

It isn't easy, but I'm wearing the patch and it could be worse.

The bad news? I had a major diet cheat. Movie Theater Popcorn. With BUTTER. And SNOCAPS. Yes, mixed in with the popcorn. Eeek.

I refuse to feel guilty about that, though. I have been doing really well and I am not going to let that stop me from continuing to do well. I am allowing myself to cheat once in a while. Once in a very LONG while. And today of all days, I deserved an indulgence.

We went to see Alice in Wonderland in 3D today! It was SO amazing. I have always loved Alice in Wonderland, and I LOVE Tim Burton, so double win! Maya loved it too. I can't get over how much the 3D technology has improved since I was a kid!

After we went grocery shopping and I stockpiled healthy food. And lots of veggies for when I need to snack. Oooh and my new favorite: Kashi TLC whole grain roasted veggie crackers with laughing cow light/reduced fat cheese spread in Garlic and Herb. SO YUMMY and guilt free (in moderation, of course).

Really looking forward to tomorrow. I am going to keep myself busy during the day with cleaning and laundry, and in the evening I will be hanging out with a good friend of mine, who is NOT a smoker! Yay! We're getting Sushi and then going to the kickboxing class!

Well, here's to the rest of day one. I can do this! One day at a time!

On the shopping list for today? Nicotine patches, chewing gum, very strong mints, carrot sticks, a stress ball.

Yes, I am taking the plunge. Tonight before bed I will smoke my very last cigarette. Tomorrow, I will wake up in the morning and put on a patch.

some have told me I am making too many changes at once, and I will overload and fail. I don't think so. I need to do this NOW, while I am motivated and ready. It's been over 2 weeks since I have given up pop and most junk food. I have lost 4.5 lbs!! I have been going to the gym regularly, taking kickboxing classes, and it's wonderful. It isn't hard. I LOVE it. I don't miss pop at all, not even a little.

Quitting smoking WILL be hard. But I'm doing so well with everything else, this will keep me motivated. In a few weeks I will be able to BREATHE after kickboxing. My clothes will no longer stink! And the example I am setting for my daughter!

My husband isn't ready to quit yet. Yes, this will make it harder for me, I know. More difficult, but NOT impossible.

I am... nervous as hell, anxious, but excited and determined too.

I CAN DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!